Shopping as Relationship Building

An older gentleman sat down next to me in the courtyard of a mall this afternoon, and as he sat he let out a long sigh. A moment passed and he turned to me and exclaimed, "there should be a law against going to the mall with your wife!" I smiled back at him but in reality it is shopping excursions with your spouse that can be one of the best things for strengthening your relationship that you can do.

It does not have to be shopping outings necessarily but taking an active interest in what your spouse is interested in is a fundamental key for a successful marriage. Nothing could be easier than saying, "have a nice time and see you when you get home," but by doing so a person misses out on a significant opportunity to show, not just in words but with deeds, how much they care about their partner in life.

When someone asks their spouse to join them on an outing they are going on, it is not just because they want someone to hold their bags or find the parking space, it is because they value their time with you and want to journey with you as they do some of their enjoyable activities. If there was a contemporary Shulchan Aruch on maintaining a strong marriage, going shopping with your spouse would be considered an obligation expressed in the strongest language.

So the next time your wife or husband says "want to join me at the mall?" the answer should be an exuberant (or at least not kvetched) yes!

Parshat Zakhor: Remembering to Remember

This week in synagogue we will read a selection of the Torah that the Torah itself commands us to recall: Parshat Zakhor. It is within the narrative of Zakhor that we replay the story of Amalek attacking the Jewish people on their way out of slavery in Egypt towards the Land of Israel. The Torah tells us in Parshat Zakhor, as we might expect, to zakhor, to remember what injustice Amalek performed against us while we were weak in the desert: zachor... v'lo tishkah! Remember and do not forget! 

The global community has experienced tremendous tragedy this past week. We were witness to a horrific earthquake, tsunami and now the continuing saga of the nuclear reactors in Japan. Untold numbers of people have been lost and it may take decades for the people of Japan to fully recover. This tragedy betrays any possibility of explanation and all we can and must do in the face of it is to galvanize whatever support we can offer to the Japanese people. I encourage everyone reading this to donate to a trusted relief agency whatever they are able to. 

In addition to the catastrophic events that are still unfolding in Japan, the Jewish community suffered a great loss as members of the Fogel family in Israel, including the parents and three of their children (Yoav, 11, Elad 4 and Hadas, 3 months), were savagely and ruthlessly butchered in their home late Friday night last week. It is beyond all grasp or possibility of reason to comprehend how anyone could stand over the crib of a 3 month old baby and murder her. Our hearts scream with agony and pain and there exists no words that could possibly offer any nehama, comfort, to the remaining family or all of Klal Yisrael. 

What are we to do in response to this horrific event? It is a tragic coincidence that we read Parshat Zakhor this week as the Torah itself provides us with a way to begin to cope with the enormity of the tragedy that lays in front of us.

In recounting the savagery of Amalek and its desperate, unending desire to rid the world of Am Yisrael, the  first act the Torah enjoins upon us to do is zakhor, remember. Sit in the pain and the suffering with the mourners, listen to their cries, be there to hold them in their agony. In the immediate aftermath of such a savage act, speeches must be restrained and responses must be silenced. First, zakhor, remember and mourn. Do not look past the human suffering of those most impacted as plans of response are drawn up and debated. 

Eventually some action must be taken, those who commit acts of savagery must face justice, but as the Torah states, first mourn, grieve and remember until one can begin to experience some solace and comfort, "be'haniah Hashem Elokecha lekha mi'kol oyvekha," then we can be sure our response comes from a place of justice and not a lashing out in pain and revenge. 

Sephardic Tradition and Modern Life

The Jerusalem Post reports today that MK Haim Amsalem has created a new "social movement" in Israel called Am Shalem that will promote the "moderate Sephardi halachic approach in public life" and strive to restore "the crown of moderate religious and Sephardi social activism to its former glory." This news follows the recent approval by both former Sephardic Chief Rabbi Ovadia Yosef and current Sephardic Chief Rabbi Shlomo Amar of conversions to Judaism performed through the IDF. I believe both of these events tell us a tremendous amount about the spirit of the Sephardic approach to halakhah and tradition and how it represents a powerful paradigm for observant Jews in the modern world.

The approval of the military conversions by the two Sephardic Chief Rabbis caused an uproar amongst the Ashkenazi Israeli Haredi rabbinic establishment because they claimed many of the converts did not remain as observant Jews post their conversion. Rav Amar responded to their critique by outlining the essential halakhot of conversion; what the halakha requires and what it does not. Rav Amar by insisting on the actual halakhah (Rambam, Hilkhot Issurei Biah 13:4, 14, 17; Shulhan Arukh, Yorah Deah 268:3, 12) and not taking on unnecessary stringencies tells us that in matters of personal status and in matters that impact the very nature of the State of Israel, we have an obligation to act in accordance with the authentic tradition. Furthermore, it demonstrates true sensitivity to the plight of the individual and by so doing continues the Sephardic tradition on this topic (see for example She'alot U'Teshuvot Piskei Uziel, She'alot HaZman 64).

The report in the Jerusalem Post about MK Amsalem's new social movement makes it clear that he alone is not starting this movement but rather "it was the outcome of a grassroots movement that saw in the MK a leader who represented their beliefs." There is a real need in our world for religious leadership, and in Israel also political leadership, that has a clear grasp of both the details and of the beauty of the Jewish tradition with an appreciation for what it means to be a Torah Jew who does not reject the modern world but embraces it within the context of the mesorah. The Sephardic tradition has both the intellectual weight and the historical precedent to truly lead this renaissance in modern Jewish life.

The Limits of Technology

It would not be an overstatement to say that we live in an age of unprecedented access to information. This access to information meanwhile is not only a uni-directional process. People, through the medium of blogs, Twitter feeds, Facebook and other services are not only consumers of content but we can be creators as well. The line between journalist and amateur is getting thinner and thinner as the tools to create content become more available and more affordable to masses of people.

From my own personal experience, I recall first hearing about the "Miracle on the Hudson" not by traditional media outlets but by the Facebook status updates of my friends who were witness firsthand to the different moments of the crash of US Airways Flight 1549. This episode and the multitude of stories like it are having profound implications on the way groups form and act, and on the very structures of society itself.

The truth of this statement extends beyond the domain of news media and enters into every facet of human life; from religions to political movements and everything in between. Isolated stories of wrongdoing in disparate locales throughout the globe no longer remain simply on the minds of residents of that area but rather we, as beneficiaries of the globalization of information, can connect the dots between a wrongdoing in Albany, another one in Brooklyn and another one in Los Angeles and uncover trends and respond in ways that would have been much harder a decade ago. In other words, the transaction costs of organizing for positive social change nationally has dramatically dropped thus making it significantly more accessible for a larger group of people to work towards that goal.

It also means that the temptation to find our outlet for human connection via electronic means will only grow greater as the technology to facilitate that becomes cheaper and easier to use. Robert Putnam in his now generation-defining book, Bowling Alone, argues that social groups, whether they be bowling leagues or rotary clubs, increases "social capital" that allows for healthy and functioning society. The loss of social groups has the predictably opposite effect by reducing social capital and thus negatively impacting the functioning of society. I do not believe that a community where the majority of social interactions are done by distance electronic methods produces the same qualitative results of either the need for human connection people crave nor the increase in necessary social capital that society requires.

I do not want to be mistakenly understood to say that online interaction is utterly unhelpful. On the contrary, online communication allows for the maintenance of long-distance relationships, provides an immeasurably valuable resource for the disabled and home-bound and a whole host of other benefits. However, no matter what benefits may arise from online communications, the need that people have for face-to-face human interaction, with real human touch, will in my opinion never disappear. Just because we may be able to Skype with home-bound senior citizens in Manhattan does not mean that organizations that provide volunteer visitors should fold and close shop. Just because we may be able to connect to a Daf Yomi shiur online does not mean we should altogether stop attending one in person at our local synagogue.

As the march of technological progress continues at its current fast clip, we must not forget to be always cognizant of the limits of any tool. Personal coffee makers and newspaper opinion columns did not replace the coffee shop nor did the telephone replace a regular visit to the grandparents and Skype, Facebook, Twitter and online webinars and whatever else may come will not replace a simple hug and a pat on the back.

Parshat Vayishlach: It's a Matter of Perspective

"I have become small from all the kindnesses..." (Bereishit 32:11)

Yaakov is on the verge of reuniting with his brother for the first time in years. By all accounts this is not to be a joyous occasion. Immediately after securing the firstborn blessing from their dying father, Yaakov flees into exile from his home and from his elder brother. It is only now as he seeks to return to his family and to his land that he must reckon with his brother, Esav. Will there be warfare? Will they both be able to put their past grievances behind them and turn a new page? These are the questions that must have been flashing through Yaakov's mind as he prepared for their imminent meeting.

It is in the midst of all the preparations for their reunion that Yaakov stops and prays. He turns to God and asks for help in overcoming this last challenge between him and his home. It is within that prayer that we uncover remarkable language that can play a truly transforming role in our lives. "I have become small from all the kindnesses and from all the truth that You have rendered Your servant..." Rav Saadia Gaon (b. 892- d. 942), the prominent Babylonian Geonic figure, offers an interpretation that many others after him have adopted: I am small and insignificant, Yaakov cries out, and thus how am I fit to be deserving of all the kindnesses that You have performed for me?"

The plea that Yaakov utters profoundly shifts the paradigm away from an ego-centric to a God-centric perspective. It is all too easy to see ourselves as the center of our own universes. The reality being that for the vast majority of our lives we are totally consumed with our own needs and objectives. The world operates for us and we do not operate for the world. All too often it is natural to see a goodness that occurs for us to be part of the natural order of things, while any negative action, even an unwanted red traffic light, to be entirely alien and foreign to our perceived way of the order of the world.

When we stop and examine Yaakov's plea, we are confronted with a real challenge. Yes, it is true that we must take care of our own needs. There is a Jewish value to making sure one does not abandon themselves. However, it is beneficial to have times where we step outside ourselves and move our position in our ordered universe from the center to a more peripheral position. Doing so allows us to take a broader, more balcony driven perspective on the world and is a healthy action to do regularly.

Yaakov in what to him was perhaps one of the most frightening and difficult periods in his life, stops and considers how small he truly is within the grand scheme of God's universe and from that place of smallness seeks God's help and indeed receives it. 

Building Inclusive Jewish Community

I have a short article up today in the On the Square feature section of the religion journal First Things on the topic of building inclusive Jewish community. In the article I propose a different paradigm for the foundation of inclusive Jewish community. A short excerpt:

Perhaps we require a different paradigm for Jewish inclusiveness. For a generation we have relied on shared ritual. But ritual runs directly into contentious issues such as gender separation, and leads to the stark contrast of the highest or lowest common denominator. The result is to uproot ritual—the articulation of faith as expressed differently by each denomination—from its foundations, and force a compromise with which no one is comfortable.

The rest of the article can be found here.

Parshat Toldot: Discovering the Positive

There are some things in our lives which we struggle to find the positive element of. Situations present themselves which cause us to wonder what is there to be thankful for in regards to this?

 

In this week's Parsha we are witness to the birth of two nations, the entrance unto the world's stage of two major actors that would shape the face of human civilization: Yaakov and Esav. Yaakov, who would father the twelve tribes of Israel, brings forth into the world the Jewish people. While our rabbis, through the Midrash, understand Esav as the spiritual father of the Roman Empire and later the Western World.

Esav, a hunter with little time for transmission of covenantal destiny, blessings or pondering the nature of God must have presented a challenge for Yitzhak. Yet, our parsha clearly states "ve'ye'ehav Yitzhak et Esav ki tziyad be-fiv - and Yitzhak loved Esav because the game of the hunt was in his mouth."

 

Rav Dovid Kimchi (b. 1160 d. 1235), states that of course Yitzhak loved Yaakov but the difficulty was to find a reason to love Esav. How does one come to appreciate, to be thankful for someone who represents practically the opposite of all one holds dear? Yet, despite all the difficulties, all the challenges in coming to grips with Esav, Yitzhak found a reason, found a way to connect with him. Rav Kimchi concludes that Yitzhak was able to appreciate Esav because "ki tziyad be-fiv," because he was able to provide for himself and his family, to provide food for those who needed.

 

The challenge presented to us through this week's parsha is to find ways to appreciate and to be thankful for people, situations and things in our lives that may not be the easiest to do so with. "Ve'ye'ehav Yitzhak et Esav ki tziyad be-fiv - And Yitzhak loved Esav because the game of the hunt was in his mouth".